Thursday, January 29, 2009

My biggest Mistake! If Only I could Turn Back the Hands of Time

Am so tired of blogging about my health! It sucks to get sick when you are vacationing, especially after two years. I feel that am doomed. Though my health is improving slowly, I just wish it would go away and let me have some damn fun. What really sucks is, I feel so good one moment and within a minute my temperature drops down so low that I feel as if am sitting naked in the North Pole. I can’t risk going out with that problem. The good part is in the last 24 hours I had that North Polish thing only twice. Guess am recovering.

Forget about my health, today I want to share something that has been rotting inside of me for four years. I have done so many things that I regret but nothing can compare to this. There isn’t a single day that this thing hasn’t haunted me. Everyday I wish, if only I could turn back the hands of time!
(This is the longest blog post I have ever written. You may find it boring but please take some time to read it. Am sure you will get to enjoy a glimpse of my life and some mistakes that you dare not make)

My best friend was Ric, he died four years back, 29 April 2005. It was a Friday and our janitor found him dead near our school soccer field. According to the medical report, he died of drug overdose. No one in our town was shocked. Everyone knew he was going to die sooner or later. Ric and I were best of friends since kindergarten. Am an introvert and its tough for me to make new friends, to top it I feel that a person does not need many friend. So in my whole life I had only four friends. I know lots of people but am talking about friend who you can even trust them with your life.

Ric was someone I could trust with my life. My folks never liked him. They were always against us hanging out together. Because we never did anything good, when together. There were times when my folks would just say it straight in his face, not to enter our home. I don’t even blame my folks for their action. After all, getting drunks, getting into street hassles, punk class and drugs were all we could think of when we were together. Ric and I were someone that any parents won’t want their kids to hangout (another reason why I had fewer friends).

We did so many things together both good and bad, though we were mostly into bad! Drugs was one of them. The time we reached 16 we were into painkiller. Gradually we got promoted to higher, tougher drugs. It’s really tough to meet the expenses when you are only 16. We start lifting shops for drugs. Unfortunately one night Ric was caught red handed by cops while lifting a shop. I escape because I was late and Ric could not wait for me and he did by himself. He ended up in Juvenile Correctional Centre for 6 months.

We had such a reputation that there was not even a single soul in our town who haven’t heard about us. We were popular not because we were the hippest kids but because we loved doings whatever we wanted in life. We would punk class, get drunk, do drugs, shop lift, beat up almost everyone who stared at us and the list goes on…

But I don’t regret these deeds. I would give anything to relive those days with some alterations. What I regret is doing drugs and how I ended up teaching my best buddy how to use needles? We were just into pills, but I learned how to inject drugs from a seasoned druggie. I thought my best friend how to use needles. Then irony is I quit drugs some months after I taught him. Just after one year and about two months he died. If I did not taught him he would be alive today. Pills are very harmful but compared to needles its nothing.

The night he died, he came to my place asking me to accompany him to our old school soccer field. He was telling me, we’ll have beer and you can watch me get high. He had this habit of teasing me, when I decided to quit drugs. Even when I was struggling to quit I would still hang out with him (unlike many who would stay away from a druggie) just to test whether I can resist the urge, plus he was my best friend. But I don’t know why I declined his invitation. If only I would have gone with him, he won’t be dead today. That’s what I believe.

I was almost completely clean when he died. After this I decided to completely change my life. It was not that easy. Even today I feel like doing drugs sometimes, but am more wise, strong and brave to say no!

In order to ease my pain and my guilt, I have been working with various social worker in my area to help druggies quit drugs for almost two years. But every time I meet a druggie, he/she remind me of Ric.

So this post is a tribute to my best buddy, a confession and an example to all the druggies out there, who does not know what drugs can do to your life.

(By the way, Ric was 21 when he died. When ever I met his mom she would breakdown, as I remind her of him)


31 comments:

  1. Omg. I am so sorry to hear this.
    A past is the past. You can't change it but you can learn from it.

    But you're a great & loyal friend, I salute you for that. Friends are friends and I'm glad you stuck through Ric til the end.
    I'm sure he's proud of you. Now, you are helping druggies to quit...you done a good deed after all.

    Be strong. Live life to the fullest!

    ~ QM

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  2. Very touching. Thanks for sharing that. It must be really hard for you.

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  3. So sorry to read about your friend passing.
    That's great that you are trying to help others with your experiences.
    I hope you continue to do well and I wish you all the best on your journey!

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  4. That was so touching. I had some experiences some how like that... I know how you feel. But dude life is about moving on!

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  5. Dude you need not feel guilty because you did not force him. It was something he choose....

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  6. Even me i lost my best friend to drugs...

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  7. Sad about Ric but it's good that you are using that experience to help others.

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  8. I already have felt a kindred spirit relationship with you, AK - I often get this deja vu kine of vibe when I read about you and your writings. Kind of like a younger me in many ways. I too had a serious bout with drugs. Well, as a young Hippie of course I did recreational drugs and hallucinogens. I grew out of that. But just four years ago, as a man in my mid-50's I tried crack cocaine - and it GOT me. I was a strung out crackhead for almost a year. Only a powerful spiritual experience saved me - I write about it in my first book, "I Romanced the Stone."

    This is a great post and a wonderful tribute to your friend. I am SO happy you have found the wisdom as such a young man to know enough to keep drugs out of your life. And I also share your passion for helping others get over drug dependency as well.

    Keep on keepn' on, bro.

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  9. I am sooo sorry for what you had to go through.. but I can totally relate. I lost my 1st love and best friend to a heroin addiction and suicide.. he died in my arms. It is really hard thing to overcome.. but I am definitely proud that you have.. things will work themselves out if you give it time :)

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  10. Hey A.K.
    Spiritual mom, here. I can't believe (in a way) that I am posting on your site. I am really out of my element here. I think you know what I mean. But when you came to my site yesterday and posted, something in me was deeply touched. I felt a tug. Now, here I am reading about you, your journey, your pain and loss, and I wish I could be a sheltering tree for you, and to say, it's alright. Really it is.

    You should remember that Ric's journey was his journey. He made choices and so did you. You recovered, he didn't. Would things have changed for him if you made a different choice that evening? Maybe, and maybe not. You know the power of addiction and how it can talk you into doing anything. Let Ric rest. He's OK, trust me on this one. He's fine no. Don't live with regrets. Life is too short and we have no idea what the bigger picture of life is all about...

    I'm really proud of you. You are doing the walk and doing a good job of it. Recovery is tough. Be proud of YOU. Telling your story is very healing. I hope you keep talking. And I hope you feel better soon. It stinks being away from home and being sick. Do what the Dr. says. Those ayurveda guys are good. He knows what he's talking about-no kidding, no meat! Toxic, especially in India.

    Believe, breathe, and be well...

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  11. Thanks for ur comment on my blog...I hope u keep coming back...!!!
    I am looking at urs right now too... :)

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  12. Hey, AK. Have I told you that you rock? I'm sorry about Ric - his loss of life, your loss of a friend. I'm glad you've turned your life around and even in this post, keep approaching life and truth...and because you're facing those on a daily basis, you will be healthy. I sense you were a lover of truth even before the drugs, you just hid from the pain. Now you'll be a lover of truth and walk into and through the pain.

    I already love you and we've not even met! But someday, right? Keep on keeping on, girlfriend. You're an inspiration!

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  13. Did it lose my comment? Arrrrrrgh!

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  14. Thank you for all the encouragement! you guys rock!!!

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  15. Dude we are your buddies though we have never met in real... I find so much in common with you. We are both heavy metal junkie, once druggies etc...etc..

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  16. Thanks for sharing this!!! its very heart touching, inspiring and encouraging!

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  17. Thanks metal warrior! Metal heart i seems we have lots in common. Hi Marvin D. Wilson it seems like we too share lots in common... May that's another reason why i love your blog so much.. You write stuffs which i feel too!

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  18. Am also a big fan of Marvin D. Wilson.. He is the older version of me!!

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  19. Hi!
    Good to know you are recovering.
    I'm so sorry for your friend and what all you had to go through. The topic is very touchy in the first place.
    One of my friend was also a drug addict as I remember. Its painful to see them like that.. :(
    It's a good thing you stopped doing it.
    Happy Friday to you too.

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  20. So sorry to hear about your friend passing. But, you can't blame yourself. He made the choice to shoot up...he could have resisted when you were trying to "teach him". And you may not have been able to save him even if you had been there. I think it's good that you're writing about it - therapy in a way. At least you're on the right path now. And get well...it's no fun to be on vacation and be sick!

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  21. Well, to be honest...actually I have lots of problems with my health too...especially with my back, I got a traumatism on my back and i have an appoinment with traumatologist soon...pfff..so..from here I understand pretty well what you feel;)

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  22. Ultimately, it was your friend's decision to stay on drugs, not yours. If not that night, it could have happened any other time, so you really shouldn't feel responsible.

    Try to remember the good times with him.

    Morgan Mandel
    http://morganmandel.blogspot.com

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  23. What a sad story. But you are part of a happy ending. I am glad you found a way to give back.

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  24. chu chu, you have read my blog about my own experience with death... so, I know, that you know, that I know how you feel... all the what ifs... thing is, we can't turn back the hands of time...ever... no matter what mistakes you made... or ever will make... it will never be your fault, what happened, it will never be your fault, the choices that others make... we all make choices, and we are all the captains of our own ships... but, you are turning raindrops into rainbows, by what you do, now... perhaps it was what you came into this world to do... help others. Bless you for that... and I hope you feel better soon... perhaps you can find a way to let this guilt go, while in India... and go back home fresh and renewed... sending you legions of Light!

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  25. Thanks for stopping by on my blog. Sorry to hear about your friend........

    Take care. Hope you're enjoying your travels.

    Corinne

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  26. Anonymous2/2/09

    Very Touching Story... But don't held yourself responsible for that.. All things are pre-decided by GOD..that's what I believe and I am happy that you quit drugs... Life is all about making mistakes and then not repeating them... I hope, you learnt a good lesson from this incident. May god give peace to Ric's soul...

    Now it's time for you to move on... It's good that you are helping other druggies to come out of this bad habbit... '

    Good Luck Buddy :)

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  27. Hi Dude how are you?"

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  28. How are you doing Buddy!!!

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  29. Any new travel stories?? How are you feeling!

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  30. This past is the past. We all make mistakes - some bigger than others. From what you say, I suspect your friend would have found needles on his own. Great job on turning your own life around and helping others. Kudos!

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